Someday it's gonna make sense...

Ramdom 121AM thoughts: i miss Tumblr. </3

Will activate my tumblelog again starting this week!

Typing this as of 3:06AM.

I can’t feel anything. And i realized that i can’t stay like this anymore. I can’t not feel things because i think my current state of emotion is becoming a huge hindrance with me keeping in touch with my friends (i’m so sorry!!!) and i don’t want that.

I want to feel something… anything. May it be anger or frustration over work or sadness from a heartbreak or happiness from a blessing received, i’d take it! I swear i would!

So with everything said, Lord, i am humbly asking for your help to save me —save my emotions and my ability to feel them and make me good again.

Please, please, please help me melt this heart of mine now cold as a stone.

Excuse me, John Mayer. Can i please borrow your words?

Would you want me when i’m not myself?
Wait it out while i am someone else

I feel like i’m not myself lately. But hey i’m not depressed. I know that, for sure. Because i’ve been there.

As a matter of fact, i am happy. I’m happy with everything that’s going on. I’m happy that i was able to overcome my depression last 2011 and found the light last year. I’m happy about my work. I’m happy that i get to travel. I’m happy that i am able to read books again lately. I’m happy.

And that’s the thing. Now that i am happy, i worry about how to be happier.

And it scares the shit out of me. How do i become happier —happier than i am right now? I mean, why can’t i just be contented with what i have and live life as it is? I don’t know what i am aiming for exactly, but all i know is that i want to feel better, by being happier. Do you get what i mean?

No, of course not. Because i am such an ungrateful bitch. I am the ungrateful bitch who can never be satisfied even when everything is actually good and is stable. I am the ungrateful bitch who almost had it all with you, and instead threw away all the chances the universe had given me. I am the ungrateful bitch and nobody will understand why i cannot be put into place the moment things go stale and stagnant.

I mean, i know things (as it is right now) could be worse. But i also know that it could be better.

And i guess i always want things to be better. Don’t you?

Every once in awhile, we’re bound to feel alone, as if all of our friends have forgotten about us and have continued living their lives without us in it.

Or is it just me?

I mean, i know i have changed so much, and i feel like i’ve been a rock since 2011 —still, cold and heartless. And i know i have spent most of my time with work that never seemed to end, but you should know also that it takes two to tango. I’m not asking you to make time for me. All i’m asking (and this seems pretty standard in our friendship, fyi) is for you to understand.

Each and every one of us are facing our own battles. So please, have heart.

I can’t remember the last time i wrote something sad —something about you, actually. Perhaps, the reason may be because i got so busy with work? Or simply because i got over you, or the idea of you. Whichever.

But then again, you became a huge part of my life (without you ever knowing it, haha), and so i hope the universe will forgive me for times when i can’t help myself but go a little emo over you, or the idea of you. You know, like tonight.

I was on my way home today when i heard the song, “Forever Blue” on the radio. This has been in my iPod since forever, but for the first time, the lyrics hit me hard, like i was slapped with a 4-inch thick Merriam-Webster dictionary straight to the face. As the lyric goes:

I don’t wanna be forever blue
‘Cos i deserve some love that’s true
I’m finding it the hard way
And wishing for it everyday

Who wants to be forever blue, right? I mean, i’d rather be green than be blue. Chos! But srsly, i know that 90% of the time, i find cheesy romantic stuff, uhm, very cheesy and not-so romantic, but i don’t want to be like this forever, you know. It’s like i have so much love to give, and no one to give it to. Gaaah! And then i heard the second part of the chorus:

I guess i was wrong to want you
But i’m afraid, i’m afraid, i’m afraid
To be forever blue

And then i thought about you, or the idea of you. Whichever. Shit happens, and here we are now. Had i told you that i cared for you, that i was just in a dark place at that time that’s why you felt ignored, and that it made me sad when you went away, will it matter? Had i softened my heart and spare a bit of vulnerability, will things work differently for us?

I know i said to myself about a gazillion times already that i should and will let you (or the idea of you, whichever) go, and i have… believe me, i have. I guess this is just a some sort of ‘hangover’ from you, from wanting you. It has been a while, you know (and by ‘a while’, i meant a little over half a decade, meehee). Old habits die hard.

And so, to end this post, if only there was a female version of Bruno Mars’ When I Was Your Man, i would have pasted it here. Unfortunately, i haven’t found one. So i’ll use Mars’ original words then:

I know i’m probably much too late to try and apologize for my mistakes, but i just want you to know that i hope she buys you flowers, i hope she holds your hand, give you all her hours when she has the chance.

Kthnxbye.

Today was good. I have the answers to my questions. I have finally made some decisions and conclusions about things that have remained unchecked in my to-do list for months now. Today was good because i was able to clear some (but not all, of course) work backlogs —which have always been those things that have been putting me off and keeping me busy. Plus, boss is back. Today was good because it simply was.

But today was also bad. I realized that no matter how hard you work or how good your ideas are, not everyone will know about it and not all will recognize it. Today was bad because i received two consecutive phone calls that went not as great as i expected it to be. Today was bad, simply because i’m a bit irritable about everyone’s jokes (though i tried my best to keep calm about it). Today was bad because i can’t figure out why everyone can’t take me seriously —it seems as if they think i’m kidding all the time. And the worst part is, i don’t know how i can change everyone’s perception on me :(

Today was good.

Today was bad.

I really don’t know what to feel right now.

Today marks my second year as a working gal, as i first started working for my previous company last February 14, 2011.

Today also marks the anniversary of the day i got the job offer of my current company, which was last February 14, 2012. That was a good day —a bit problematic and full of dilemma, but a good one.

Today, February 14, 2013, i can honestly say i am in a much better place than the past two years. I mean, i still have no romantic dates on valentine’s day, but god knows i don’t even give a shit about whatsoever.

Hurrah for Feb 14! :)